free·dom
noun
“the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint”
Sitting in an interrogation room with my wrists shackled by a chain to my waist and ankles, I waited for the shift Lieutenant to come go through the motions with me. I'd already been in the Hole for a couple of weeks at this point and it was time to open the oven door and stick me with the meat thermometer to see if I was done yet.
He casually entered the windowless room and sat down at the table across from me. An overweight veteran guard with a dramatic mustache that was doing its best Tombstone impression. Wordlessly he held out a cigarette for me and I leaned in to take it, holding that position long enough for him to give me a light. Unable to use my hands I held in my mouth as I took a long drag while leaning back into my seat before billowing the smoke out through my nostrils.
“Anything you need to get off your chest?” he asked casually while lighting his own.
“Nope” I responded as we had both known I would but then continued with my own question, “How's Shelly doing?”
“She's improved a lot, really doing better than the doctors thought she would be at this stage” he said about his daughter's recovery so far following an extremely bad car accident she'd been in the month prior.
“I'm glad to hear that dog. Being your kid it don’t surprise me none. Y'all too dumb to stay down” I jabbed at the old roller in my customary fashion. He and I had been at this for some years now. He chuckled to himself and told me that I was probably right.
We then sat in silence until my cigarette was gone and he reached over to take it and put it out for me, “you sure there's nothing you want to tell me son?” He asked offhandedly while putting the butt out in the ashtray. We were just going through the motions, him and I. I shook my head and he nodded his. Rising from his seat he patted me on the back as he exited the room. He may have been a career cop doing his job however I'm certain he'd been heartbroken had that been the day I turned snitch.
We may have been on different sides but that didn't mean we couldn't respect each other as friendly enemies.
A few moments later a guard collected me and escorted me back to my cell in solitary confinement where I was laying it down for something someone else had done. It wasn't a matter of mistaken identity though. They knew I had nothing to do with what had happened but they also knew there was no way I didn't know who'd actually done it.
I had done nothing wrong, played no part whatsoever and no one was even pretending otherwise. I was simply “under investigation’ as my time in the Hole entered week three. The best part was they knew this would go nowhere every bit as much as I did but this is simply how things worked. Sweat me for 21 days, as was permitted for “investigations”, and then everything goes on as if it never happened.
I was being punished for nothing more than refusing to speak. For choosing to not get involved. And that is why I have such an appreciation for freedom and disappointment in how many people take theirs for granted.
Justified or not, the fact remains that I spent a large portion of my life with none of the freedoms you enjoy simply by being alive. I was literally property of the State. Inmate #A371-209. That was my entire identity. Even in cases where I had done nothing wrong, where they even admitted as much, I didn't have enough basic human rights to avoid suffering consequences.
However, this isn't to complain about high security prison conditions but rather to use them as a contrast to the world out here. I'm certain there is no shortage of militant “fight for the freedoms we once had” style posts however I'm simply not there. I'm too busy still being astonished by the freedom around me.
I still smile when I get up in the middle of the night to have a bowl of cereal with actual milk that wasn't being kept cold in a designated “refrigerator toilet”. I feel like I'm getting away with something. You can do that, just eat something whenever you want to eat something. Though you don't appreciate that, it's friggin amazing. You can just decide what sounds good and go to a store and buy that exact thing. Think about that, your brain says “I want tacos” and then your body can simply go to a place that'll give you tacos. Pharaohs and Kings couldn't do that.
If you get cold, you can bundle up. Hell, you have control over a thermostat. Don't take that for granted. And in the summer, you can go swimming or have iced tea or a popsicle or sit in front of a fan to cool off. My best option then was running around in just my boxers because they could kiss my ass if it made them uncomfortable. It's 100° in a box with no air movement. My bare feet on the tile was the closest I could get to relief.
You can choose what you want to do and when you want to do it. No schedules where you're punished should they not be adhered to. “Nuh-uh, I have to go to work. They set that schedule.” Oh really? You mean the job you picked? You actually get to choose that and change up whenever you want the moment a better option presents itself. I was given a work assignment where I was hauled away in cuffs if I was late reporting. It's the reason I've never once been late to work since I got out. Not one time. It's programmed in me.
You get to choose who you spend your time with, who you're around and who's around you. Sometimes, when there was an empty rack, I'd hear the lock in my cell door cycle as a random felon walked in with his belongings.
“Hey, my name is Bartleby McDogfucker, I don't know what a toothbrush is and I have a deviated septum which makes me snore like a category 5 buzzsaw. I'll be talking 24/7 about a girl who won't write me back while we share this 6×8 concrete bathroom together. Can I bum a cigarette?”
Yes, I know big brother is messing with freedom of association in some ways, but you don't know what having no choice is. Have you ever had to literally threaten another human being with violence because he isn't respecting the courtesy flush rule? No? Because you're free to avoid that situation.
Because of that freedom you're not forced to have threats sprinkled into your speech like an accent. You have almost countless options for addressing and avoiding danger instead of having only one option which is to be more dangerous yourself. That is amazing and I think many of you fail to appreciate just how stress free living like this really is.
You can go on dates and to restaurants and see movies or go on walks or just sit at home and be left alone. They're all options available to you. Your life is this totally customizable thing where you can literally dictate every aspect and make things however you want. Even if you're poor and struggling, you can hang pictures in your apartment. I used to get written-up for using toothpaste to stick photographs to the wall next to my rack. That's against the rules.
You have a house full of stuff simply because you wanted that stuff. Everything I owned had to fit inside a 2.4 cubic foot metal locker box and if I couldn't close the lid, things got taken and I didn't get to choose which ones.
To this day, my body still shuts down at the same time every night because it's so programmed for “Lights-out Count time”. I was told when I was supposed to sleep for so long that it literally changed my circadian rhythm permanently. I won't even know what time it is yet my eyes will get red and watery like clockwork.
You can even choose when you can see your kids.
Let that one marinate for a moment and think about the freedoms you're ignoring.
Life out here is amazing. Your life is amazing. Even when it's on fire and everything is going wrong and people suck, it's still yours. You still have the freedom to do something, anything, about it. I can't tell you how many times I watched a roller walk up to a guy with the news, “Your mom passed away last night. Do we need to lock you up or are you going to control yourself?”
We didn't even have the freedom to mourn without consequences.
Everything out here is beyond beautiful. You were born into a world with limitless options to change and customize the life you live. Appreciate it.
I'm not saying to those of you who are having a rough run “oh, but it could be worse”. No. I'm saying this is all amazing by default and we fuck it up by being too clever, too selfish, too greedy, too blind to the wealth of awesomeness all around us.
Celebrate the freedom of being an American today, it's sketchy in most places on this earth. But more than that, celebrate being a free human today because from this Convicts perspective, many of you can't see what you already have.
Smile, your life belongs to you.
I've known the inside of a locked cell. You are absolutely correct. The freedom out here is freaking amazing. I love your perspective on life and living free. Thank you for another fabulous article.
Great essay. I can't even imagine what it's like in prison. I have an idea, based on your writing, Oz and other "prison entertainment" but the complete loss of freedom is fucking horrifying.
I spent a weekend in LA County jail and a couple of other nights in the drunk tank but that is prison lite. Dropping a doodie with other men in close vicinity is a deterrent from ever drinking again!