How To Be A Vigilante

Or; Why Batman is Bullshit

Let's be real, our opinion on law enforcement ain't what it used to be. The average person doesn't feel as safe as they once had. I'm not here to get into good or bad cops, my point leans more towards how they've been hamstrung.

Not so long ago the police knew their neighborhoods and the people in them and were able to do what they needed to do to protect the citizens in their care. Now they're unable to do much of anything until the harm has already been done. I don't believe it's their fault, it's simply the new order of things.

It seems like cops are no longer able to prevent crime, they can only arrest people after the harm is already done. Then it falls on a judicial system who'd much rather criminals be your problem than theirs because they see “justice impacted individuals” and that's something that still bugging me.

Kinda fucked up, right? Your safety being in the hands of people who aren't allowed to do anything because they're restrained by a system that doesn't want to do anything. Criminals are getting softer terminologies but a victim is still just a victim.

If that doesn't bother you, it should and if you aren't troubled by it yet, you will be.

“But what can we do about such woes oh wise sage upon thine corner?”

Shut yo chump ass up!

…………

My bad, sorry, knee jerk reaction, fr tho, my bad. What I meant to say is that those of us who can, need to go seriously old school. Stick with me, I've only just begun to be a bad influence.

vigilante

noun

vig·i·lan·te ˌvi-jə-ˈlan-tē

: a member of a volunteer committee organized to suppress and punish crime summarily (as when the processes of law are viewed as inadequate)

broadly : a self-appointed doer of justice

Sounds kinda badass, amirite? Taking matters into your own hands, doing what's needs to be done, protecting the innocent and punishing the wicked, etc etc etc

BIFF! BAM! KA-POW! QUNCKKK!

That's all crap. Let me help you out with some reality on the ground. Superman is more realistic than Batman by a long shot. A god-like alien flying around with laser eyes is far more believable than a muscular Bro running around fighting criminals and not being a body on the news his first week rocking a mask.

But that's not to say it can't be done.

*Wags eyebrows

Having been literally on both sides of this equation I can tell you I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

BIG GIANT FUCKING WARNING LABEL!

This isn't for everyone nor is it meant to be. Cosplayers become statistics. I'm not here to teach everyone how to do these things, I'm here to point out to those who are capable how they can go about doing it. If it ever occurs to you even once while reading this, “can I do that?”, you can't.

Don't do things you can't do.

Everyone feeling like I disclaimered you across the face with a fat wiffle-ball bat? We all understand what you do or don't do with my opinions is your problem, not mine?

I don't believe you but let's continue regardless.

(But first, a tangent)

Did y'all know that gangs in America started out as a good thing? Because the concept of cops was pretty damn limited, guys came together within the cities specifically for the purpose of protecting their neighborhoods interests. It really was that simple. And, in stark contrast to what popular belief would suggest, their presence alone was most times more than enough to prevent anyone from bringing drama to where they lived. As is with most things, once established, recognition alone did the Lions share of the work.

Keep that in the back of your heads and sample everything that follows with that flavor added to it.

Let's begin

Before you lace up your boots, are you even cut out for this? You're not that guy if you can be easily intimidated. I'm not going to pull punches here because they won't either. We're talking about the bottom rung of society and they're willing to risk prison, and danger from each other, to do what they're doing so you better be ready to be a more looming consequence than what they already shrug off.

This is not a fake-it-’till-you-make-it scenario. If you have hesitation in your blood, if they smell indecision on you, if they sense you have a line you won't cross, you're the next victim. All you'll accomplish is volunteering for get-got duty.

If that is in your wiring then it's a matter of having an even and cool mindset. Yes, you have to be willing to back up your words with action, but that doesn't mean you race to that step. If you start out wild they'll respond in kind and you're going to have a short career in this business. You have to be willing to escalate things farther than they will while never being the one to start the escalation process.

I've had ridiculous success with nothing more than rolling up where I know dirt is being done and saying, “Nah. Not here. Beat feet” with a casual voice and a jerking thumb. Yes, there's been times where things got heated following that however those are the exceptions, not the rule. Remember that you're doing this in your own neighborhood. It's not like trying to evict bangers from their turf.

They have to sense you want them gone far more than they want to stay.

So let's discuss your tactical situation!

I'm just kidding, I don't even own a gun and I've been successful doing this. However, to touch on that very briefly, don't bring anything you're not looking to use. If you like brandishing a gun, there will come a point where these guys expect to see you use it. Each time it's seen and not heard, it loses a little more of its edge. Don't kid yourself into thinking they don't keep track of that. Less is more. Implied over stated.

Next, because Pulp Fiction lightweight ruined my brain, let's backtrack just a little bit to dig more into how to get started. The beginning is the worst and you'll need to make peace with starting out as an entry-level cook and working your way up the McVigilante ladder. Assuming you have all of the right mindset pieces, here's what you do with them.

You're nobody until you're somebody.

Name, name, name, name, name, name, name!

Having a secret identity is all well and good for Batman fighting fictional super villains but, in the really-real world, recognition is how you keep things quiet. I get “Wut up C?!” hollered at me and waves when I go walking by the very men I'm aiming to keep in line. They have to know who you are and that you'll find out even if you're not right there at that moment. Reputation maintains peace better than gun fire.

I don't go walking so I can see who's there, I go so who's there can see me walking.

And the best part is that we actually are cool. I'm friendly and they're friendly. Everyone is friends except in this friendship they understand I will park a car on their head in a friendly way and ask if they're alright when I get out.

“You good fam? You want me to call sumbody?”

The other necessary benefit to being on familiar terms is that they talk to you. You learn from the guys you're keeping in line about guys who are getting out of line. It's called dry-snitchin' and people can't help themselves. They'll drop morsels about what so-n'-so is doing because they can't stand someone getting away with something they failed to get away with doing.

It's how you find out what's going on behind closed doors. Then it's just a matter of knocking.

“You seen my dog?” I once asked while ignoring the guy who answered and looking passed him into his place.

“Uh, no?..”

“Oh. Well, he was around here somewhere so I'm going to be looking.” Then I looked at him, “you'll tell me if there's something I need to know right? Like, if you knew where my dog was, you wouldn't make me find out on my own, would you?’

“Nah, never”

“Bet. I’ll be around”

And it was absolutely no more complicated than that. Just being seen was enough to put that problem to bed.

Now, how you get from A to B in order to pull off stuff like that is accomplished by working your way up from obscurity to infamy. If there's a lot going down where you live, you have to start small. First and foremost, you have to actually be present, a regular face seen day in and day out. You can't just show up making problems, that's a cop thing. You have to be seen as someone who belongs. That's your moral high ground. It's YOUR neighborhood too.

But even where it's not so common, you still have to be seen and known by everyone there. More often than not, someone brought them to your neck of the woods and even if the one inviting them in isn't about that dirt life, they still need to know who you are so that your name comes up the moment the new guy decides he's going to start problems. You can't be everywhere but your name can be.

You have to be vigilant, it's actually in the word vigilante. That means paying attention, learning who’s who, what happens where and putting yourself into the mix of things. At some point early on, you're going to need more than eye contact and a confident tone to establish yourself. That's actually a good thing. You want to get that out of the way dealing with lesser evils. Dope fiends, petty thieves and other low-rent crooks have a lot less to bring to the table and require less overall effort to line up. That'll give you an easier, though not free, win or two to build from.

It's important at this level to establish what you consider to be your area of concern. You're not the police. Once you've established you want it more than they do, it's not your place to tell them to fly right and find Jesus. Your position is “you're not doing that HERE. I don't care what you do over there.”

As I once outlined in one of my stories a preferred method I used back when I was still establishing that I am that guy;

“Shoving him against the garage purely for effect I jam my finger in his face, "Everything is your doing from now on. No matter what happens along here,” I gesture to my immediate surroundings, “no matter who actually did it, YOU DID IT. I'm coming for you. To save yourself you best turn my fucking house into an urban god damn legend from all the people you convince to stay away from here. Because no matter what happens, you're the one I'm coming for.”

-Dope Fiends and Minivans

Mind you, that speech came after I had beaten him like scrambled eggs and cooked him in front of my wife. If you're going to get into this mess, you're going to have to accept getting your hands dirty. I told zero people in that neighborhood this story and absolutely everyone in that neighborhood knows this story.

With very few exceptions, everything since has been addressed by little more than being seen. Maybe a word or two out of the side of my neck every now and again. Once your name is established, all you have to do for the most part is maintain it. Just don't do anything goofy to damage it and momentum does almost all of the work.

Don't let me oversell it though, every once in a while you have to wow-out and remind people that your next level is higher up than theirs, however even those are easy after being established. Here you get to pick who and when rather than who or when picking you. It's performative as much as anything.

Once established, to build on that name, it makes sense to me to enlist like-minded neighbors who share your concern into joining in. I haven't done it personally however I absolutely see the benefits in recruiting and sharing the burden. Don't be a gang, don't fucking do that. (Are you paying attention Fed's?) Think of it as a very hands-on, personally involved, neighborhood watch group.

You don't do dirt but sometimes y'all get dirty dealing with it. Does that make sense? Your goal is prevention through presence, not catching crooks and leaving them tied up for the police. If calling the cops is in your utility belt, don't even start down this road. Just do that first and do that only. There's nothing wrong with being a citizen and letting the law run its course. That is absolutely and unequivocally the safest and smartest way to go about things.

For real, you might die. Let's not beat around the bush about what and who we're talking about here. You might ironically be the one who gets arrested. With that in mind, everything you do better be done in a way that you could defend yourself in court should it get recorded. I prefer the zero body language, soft tone shit talk that makes them lose their mind and fire on me first. I'm the king of being the aggressor who looks like a defender on camera. (That's crazy, an AI wrote those last two sentences, who would admit to such a thing? Definitely not me.)

All jokes aside, don't fucking break the law. At least do so as little as possible. The goal is to be better than the criminals you're aiming to manage, that means you should deal with them rationally whenever they allow you to. When you catch them acting up, don't just start attacking like it's a Jason Statham movie. Talk when it's time to talk. Threaten when it's time to threaten. Fight when it's time to fight.

Be realistic here. This stuff doesn't work like it does in the movies. Being a Batman nerd can't prepare you for real life scenarios. I'll be the first to tell you that movies are dummy-exaggerated. We all get hurt, I get injured even when I win. There's a reason professional fighters have such a large gap between fights. Minimize violence at all costs even if you're a hard as nails SOB.

Once you confront a criminal, the only difference between you and him is mindset and physical ability. Sadly, the odds favor that he has more experience than you do. You will get hurt, maybe even killed, if you try to be the toughest guy simply by being a tough guy. That's not how any of this works. I'll fight any man on Earth in a locked bathroom while, at the same time, Rick Moranis could potentially beat my ass in a boxing ring. Any man can win or lose any fight. I can give many examples where the better fighter isn't around any longer to tell people that he was better.

However you go about things, the willingness and looming threat of violence is more powerful than actually being violent. The more times you roll the dice, the greater the odds you'll crap out and not only become exposed but also risk life and limb. Once established, presence over punches.

The goal is to look after your tiny plot on the planet. The next neighborhood over is the next guy's problem. Whether by yourself or with people you trust, remember that the ultimate goal is to make things more peaceful, quieter, safer. To be the necessary villain only when it's necessary. It ain't about you or your fucking ego and if at any point it becomes that, you're just another one of the bad guys. Just another jackass making things worse for everyone else.

Maintaining your neighborhood means doing everything you should, not everything you can.

If you can't wrap your head around that then will you please just call the police and turn up the volume on your TV like a normal human being? Not everyone is supposed to do everything and that's fine. In fact it's a good thing.

I've spent this whole article trying to put to words things I've largely done intuitively so please feel free to let me know in the comments why I'm a moron for not considering your specific and anecdotal examples. I live for that shit.

For everyone else, don't be Batman. Batman is bullshit.