I'm a Convict. I use that term because there's truly no such thing as an ex-con anymore than someone can be an ex-marine. Once you become one, it's as much a part of your identity as one's religion. Everything in your life is colored and influenced by that experience.
I went not long after my 17th birthday and spent 14 years behind those walls. I was violent then as I am violent now. The difference is it no longer controls me, I control it. I mention that because being honest about what I am is the only way my point here has gravity.
Why do you here in the real world pity, make excuses for and sympathise with us?
Getting out was by far more frightening than going in. The world was too big, too bright, too loud. Everything around me was made of eggshells, as if any wrong move would cause the state and society to change their mind and send me back. Yet, even with all of that, the way people treated me was the most jarring of all.
I expected scorn, judgement, mistrust and had prepared for years to carry it. I stuck my chest out because I knew what was coming and I was going to show everyone that I could take it. Yet it never came. Instead I found fascination, curiosity, sympathy and strangers making excuses for me. You explained my crimes away TO ME when I made no attempt to do so myself. I became a novelty and people would treat me as if my life were an episode of their favorite crime drama. I have actual victims, lives ended and ruined, and people tell me the tragedy was because I was so young.
Society has become desensitized to criminals. And not only that, in many cases, it's become fascinated by us. To the point where not once has someone asked me about my victims or even spoken up on their behalf. Not one time. Even on Twitter, when I comment that I'm a Convict, I get more likes on those than anything else I have to say.
This is not advocating for mistreatment or to say our punishment should never end however it does mean stop making us into something we're not. We all know what we did. The reason insomnia isn't isn't an epidemic in prison is because we know why we're there, accept it and make due with the consequences that brought us there. An innocent man can't handle walls. The rest of us play cards. Additionally, we don't need pity or excuses when we get out. A convict can handle anything, we know what the bottom really is and how to climb.
When we see you victim blame we know you're a victim too. It just may not have happened yet. Every time someone has asked me, “but did he deserve it?” I already know the only answer they'll accept is yes. I've said no and literally been corrected with “you couldn't have known” or “it was self defense” or “well what were you supposed to do?” Not all convicts have left the life as I have so most times this mentality simply creates opportunities for us do as we please. No one worries about the victim until it's their turn to be one. And even in my case I'm still completely comfortable being what put me in there to begin with. No ex-cons, remember? Just because I'm not doesn't mean I won't and it's okay to treat us like that. React to our actions, not to what you think or to what we say we are.
We're not anti-heroes or bad boys nor are we soulless monsters. We’re people, flaws and all. Give us the scorn we earn and let us live the lives we build. It's okay to leave us be without the excuse making. We don't need that and we sure do not deserve it. I spent my life in there coming to terms with the harm I've caused and the misplaced sympathy cheapens not only what I did but also who I did it to.
Hi J,
I want to thank you for your incredible honesty in your writing and also for this particular piece where you point out that the victims never get mentioned due to peoples fascination of your history as a criminal.
I am a survivor of a very well known kidnapping ordeal in Jan 2000 in Ireland. A local gangster kidnapped me at gunpoint from my part time job at a filling station in my home town, tramore and made me drive my own car out to the countryside, tied me up, threw me into the boot of the car and then proceeded to joy ride for the next 7 hours with me in the boot of my car. During this time I was beaten to a pulp with golf clubs he found in the boot, succeeding in breaking my right leg and beating me unconscious several times. At the end of the night he took me out of the boot and placed me on the ground with the headlights glaring, and beat me solid for as long as he could with such unbelievable hatred and ferocity it’s hard to put into words. He then put me back in the boot of the car with my broken leg dangling and headed off again joyriding, bringing me into a housing estate, where by chance a police car investigating a bomb scare spotted the smashed up car and gave chase.
I had a near death experience at the end of this event. Luckily they didn’t get a chance to burn out the car up the mountains with me buried up there as the police found a shovel and petrol in the abandoned car. The level of violence I experienced was so intense that I am still releasing shock and trauma from my unconscious 25 years later.
I do believe the creature that took me was possessed by an evil force. There was no reason for it and no mercy, compassion or let up whatsoever. He seemed to be feeding off the screams of pain and terror which made him stronger.
I decided to train in martial arts and became proficient in kickboxing and fought at tournament level across Ireland. Interestingly, since I have become a serious fighter to the point I got knocked unconscious by a worthy Russian opponent in one tournament and got up and fought to the end, I have never been in a violent situation outside of the ring since. Men can definitely sense it from you.
I am now a therapist and help people with all sorts of issues to the best of my abilities. I am also a leading activist in Ireland helping to build a dual system to free us of the global tyranny we all find ourselves in today.
I hope other survivors of serious crime get to read your blog as it is very beneficial to read from my position.
Take care,
James.
Dear Indamidle,
Wow, I'm dropping your link into the discussion in my master's class in mental health. Already tried to point the discussion about prisoner talk therapy into this direction but you have said it so well.
Thank you.
You are a very good writer with a unique alternate POV that adds much information to the current popular talk therapy model - good luck and congratulations on finding a writing home. And I might add, on finding your way home to yourself.