“Don't talk about it, be about it”
-every Convict ever
Everyone here? You know these stage lights don't let me see y'all that well. Yes? Good. Alright, settle down.
Testing, test, can y'all hear me in the back?
Great, awesome, let's get started.
Ahem…
I know y'all are full of shit.
Your online outrage is about as authentic as a Kardashian jawline and you probably don't even know it. Save your questions for the end so I'm able to ignore all of them at once.
I'm sure at least a few of you are already getting that little rush of warmth in your face and I haven't even covered any details yet. If it makes you feel any better, you'll have a mob to join here shortly. This is gonna very much be one of those “if the shoe fits” rants and, as I'm sure those of you in the front row can see, I wore my boots for this.
Let's start with you trolls. Unlike the kids choosing teams for a game of hoops where you grew up, I'm actually going to pick you first. Your outrage is the fakest simply because you know it too. Yes, people do still fall for your bullshit but even you have to admit it's getting harder to bait someone these days. People are getting hip to your game.
It's obvious in the very beginning your goal is to be agitating when you come out of nowhere to go after something we've stated we're in favor of. However, if that alone isn't enough for someone to dismiss you the way your wife does when her boyfriend comes over, there's other signs too.
Y'all never make sense and the randomness of the things you say confuses anyone who reads it. I'd say that's a smooth little tactic if y'all were doing it on purpose. But let's be real, if you were slick you'd have better things to do than to lash out online while on the clock at the minimum wage job you're still working. You can't stay on topic because you don't actually believe what you're saying which means you're a limp wrist in a boxing match. That's why you all rush to name calling with that condescending tone y'all love so much. Your fake outrage is as sad as that crinkled condom you've been carrying around for the last ten years.
Don't be checking your apartment for cameras, I don't need to see you in order to see you.
But this ain't just about you. Y'all can go check on your Onlyfans sweetheart while I move on to bigger people with bigger problems.
Everyone feeling loose? No? Just me I guess. Anyway, who's next? Let's cover you political types. Y'all are definitely a special needs bunch. Your fake outrage is either the kind you get paid to act out or the kind where you're mimicking, for free, someone who's paid to act out. The whole lot of you are either the bullshitter or the bullshitted. Either way, y'all trifling.
I'm not going to waste much time on the fake outrage makers, ain't none of them going to see this and even if they did, they'd just quietly nod their head and think, “yeah, I know”. That's their job, that's why they post-and-ghost, it's why their comments are locked, it's a hustle and nothing more. Why would they want to argue about something they themselves don't believe? So I ain't going to waste my time ranting about snakes being snakes. You can go to their articles for basic bitch rants like that.
Sit down!
I see you political suckers getting up back there. Yeah, y'all knew you were next. I wasn't being sneaky, you seen me coming. If it helps at all, this is more like euthanasia than an execution. Like a dog, it's not your fault you're old and sick and snapping at strangers, but at the same time, take this needle to your butt.
Your outrage is fake not because you don't genuinely feel it but because it wasn't real when you were infected by it. You let talking heads get into your head. Somewhere along the way, you ended up on one side or the other and then one of their sock puppets shot you up with the bullet points you're required to be worked up about from now on. It's like a zombie virus except y'all just keep biting the other zombies.
Blue zombie eat red zombie because red zombie racist.
Red zombie bite blue zombie because blue zombie snowflake.
Seriously, y'all retarded. But don't be getting up, I ain't done with you yet.
How do you not realize that's fake outrage you're drinking? The branding is shit, the packaging is shit and it even tastes like shit and y'all are still chugging like a troll in front of a gas station glory hole. Stop it. It doesn't even make sense. Where in life are people's opinions as concrete and neatly divided as they are in politics? Don't you think it's weird that zero percent of your talking points originated from you? You only repeat ideas coming down from up high.
You can pick up here after you've gone through every single political opinion you have and realize that I'm right. You won't admit it, your whole identity is wrapped up in this, but at least you'll know. Maybe this'll be where your road to recovery begins. I don't personally care but I'm sure your kids would thank me if you started shutting the fuck up at holidays just a little bit.
The fact that there are only two clearly defined and oppositional sides, to which you thankfully belong to the good one, should set off smoke alarms. We have 500 kinds of mustard but politics we've managed to narrow down. This is the laziest script ever written and you've been cast to play a cliche character. It's not even a B movie. If the Truman Show had been this poorly constructed, Jim Carey would've figured it out in the first 20 minutes. Yet here you are, raging out online as if you're the one who figured it out. They wrote fake outrage into your lines and you're playing right along. Once again, its not your fault, but at the same time, fuck you just a little bit for being a tool.
Who's next, who's next? Let's see, I've outed the Trolls and inspired the politico's to lynch me….. ummmmm.
Oh right, you morally superior sociopaths, I almost forgot you. Y'all didn't think I could reach you on your high horses until I dropped down from a tree highway bandit style. Your fake outrage is possibly the most pathetic. I'd be worried about y'all coming after me but that would require you to actually do something which ain't in your wiring.
And that's precisely what makes your brand of outrage fake. It's not cosplaying like trolls or an infection like the 24 News cycle crowd. No, yours is very real until it comes time to do something. That's when the fake sets in. The angry emotion is real, it's the angry person that's phony.
Let's use everyone's favorite current moral high horse topic of abortion. Y'all chomping at the bit now, ain't ya? Look at ya, all foamy at the mouth and wall-eyed. Let's fucking gooooooo!
Pro-life: they're killing babies. BABIES! Right? That's the position isn't it? That's crazy.
Pro-choice: people are telling women what to do with their bodies. Straight up Handmaid's tale.
So we got murder and loss of bodily autonomy just to start and I ain't gonna lie, that's some serious stuff. Fire and brimstone, I get it. Entire cultures and nations have been wiped from existence for far less.
And y'all are just leaving angry replies about it. Using caps lock and exclamation points isn't actually making your rant more impactful. For each side, the point you believe is serious business. I legitimately understand the anger which is why I can't believe how toothless it is.
99% of you doing absolutely nothing. I know this is true regardless of the fact I made that percentage up because a tiny percentage of any group forces change. Apply this to any moral rant you've got in the chamber. You'll cop out saying consequences are keeping you from acting, “the system will punish me”, but that doesn't work on me.
Running your mouth without action just makes you part of the problem. “It's a genocide!”, get a gun and go fight. They'll let you. “What about the homeless?!”, who'd you feed and clothe in the gutter? “They're going to try and trans my kid!”, you mean the people who've assigned to actually raise your kids? The ones who spend more time with them than you do? I could go on and on. One moral outrage after another where everyone is furious and not doing a goddamn thing beyond running their mouth at the same time. Y'all might be the worst in the bunch because you obviously see a problem and do nothing out of self preservation. Red Forman once said, “if you're not mad enough to bare knuckle box, then you're obviously not mad”. In your cases, the outrage is real, it's you that's fake.
“i’M rAIsiNG aWarENeSs”
No, you just want people to think you're righteous as you rant from the safety of your home. You're hoping someone else will have the cobbles to do the thing because you're sure as Hell not going to sacrifice anything. Am I being unfair, maybe. All I know is I see big talk and no actions.
What's the point of having a moral compass if you're not going to use it to go anywhere?
Did I cover all of the fake? Probably not, I'm certain I missed a bunch. There's so much of it. However, this is getting too wordy. That said, If you check under your seats you'll see I've provided pitchforks and torches for you to use afterwards in the comments section.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk and hopefully that discomfort your feeling is a growth spurt and not constipated internet rage.
But if it's just more rage, that's cool too. Even if it's directed at me, my statement from the beginning still stands. Don't talk about it, be about it.
"Your fake outrage is as sad as that crinkled condom you've been carrying around for the last ten years."
I LOLed.
I loved this line..
" you mean the people who've assigned to actually raise your kids"
This was a nice rant about our performance based society.