As I entered, the bar grew a little quieter. Eyes turning and side glancing to me at the entrance. It didn't have bat wing saloon style doors so I had to split the regular one down the middle to make it open the way I wanted. With arms akimbo I scanned the people inside. It was full of Gen Z pussies.
“What a bunch of pussies!” I exclaimed loud enough to be heard. Can't let myself go thinking things I'm not willing to say. Especially to pussies.
I spot a couple talking at one of the tables and walk towards them. The woman is attractive in a “I never had a dad” sort of way and the guy with her has a haircut that looks like broccoli if it were made from a poodle's ass.
She watches me approach. I grab his chair and pull it back from the table with him still in it. Startled, he stands as I casually take the seat he left vacant.
“What are you doing?”
“This is garbage” I say, handing him his mixed drink. “Get me a whiskey”. Leaning forward I ask the woman, “So what do I call you darlin'?”
“Excuse me, but that's my wife” the dweeb protests from behind me.
“Good. Go tell your kids this is how I met their mother”.
Oh great. This guy is a cryer too. Why are they all cryers? “Hey, jr. That whiskey ain't gonna get itself. Go. Fetch. Git.”
Buckle up buttercups and welcome to the Captain Morgan school of manly manhooditude for Gen Z soy boys. I'll let you know what the tuition is when we're done so you better not annoy me.
Lesson #1: You all suck. Yes, you specifically. Shut up, no one cares. That feeling you're having right now, the one you think is anger, it's actually your wussiness having a tantrum because it's being noticed. But don't worry (for once) I'm here to help.
As it says in the Bible, “Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, but slap a man with a fish and he'll shut the fuck up and listen for a few minutes”, or something like that. I never actually read it because reading is for nerds. Like you right now.
Now hold still while I field strip your identity like a rifle I've owned for 20 years. You Gen Z poofs are constantly on your phones. Oh look! Just like you are right now. It's an addiction, but not one of the healthy ones like drinking or womanizing.
You check it every three seconds whenever you're not staring at it like a slack jawed moron who's missing a few chromosomes. With your Tic-tac videos and your Insta-chat picturing messages. You won't even look at the people you're talking to as if scientists had figured out how to install autism software into your smooth brains. You think and feel whatever your phone tells you to and think you're being an individual.
Unlike me, a real Manitor. I just have whatever pretty girl is closest check and tell me if whatever notification I heard is worth my indispensable time and attention. I can't be wasting my gaze on trivial things, it would be unfair to the general population.
Now that that's settled and you'll never look at your phones again, except for reading my stuff, let's move on. . You have short attention spans.
*Snapping fingers
“Hey, hey. Fuqwad, over here. What can't any of you hold eye contact? Pretend it's anime.”
In the interest of this failing you suffer, I would've tried to keep this short like your employment history, but a long lecture is unavoidable. I'd say the people who raised you should've addressed this problem already but there's like 40 kids in every one of those classes in public schools.
You can only handle things in short bursts. Quick blips of information with no time to dig deeper and understand what's going on around you. I promise you this inability to focus for more than a few moments annoys the general public almost as much as it irritates your unsatisfied girlfriend. There's a reason she posts suggestive selfies even while you're dating.
“i'M sECurE enOuGH in oUr rElATiOnsHip tHat i'm NOt boThEReD bY tHat”
*Camera pans to the cuck chair located in your apartments bedroom
I'm just messing with you. We all know you don't have your own place.
But why not spend a little time going over your girl woes? I like smooth transitions just as much as you love pizza rolls. It absolutely astonishes me that y'all can make your hands operate those unbelievably complicated gaming controllers yet somehow leave a woman unsatisfied. These girls should feel like they're being disassembled and put back together with the dexterity and coordination y'all have in your hands. However, that's clearly not the case. I refer back to the selfie comment above. Your girlfriend shouldn't even have the ability to pronounce her own name correctly but you go ahead and unlock that new gear and character skin on Fortnite.
Because perpetual boyhood demands playing games, huh? Why take pride in work when the new DLC is about to drop and the latest software update made the female characters tiddies 7.8% larger with advanced giggle graphics?
You have no umph, no drive, no ambition. You get a job earning minimum wage and think you did it.
“Gawd, fine, whatever. I got a job mom, now leave me alone!”
Like minimum wage, you got the bare minimum and thought to yourself that you're good now. Yet, shockingly, you then turn around and complain about not having enough money.
*Stares at your $1,000 Apple phone, Dick Tracy smartwatch, designer everything and large assortment of shoes.
Take a moment and appreciate that you're a “dude” who has an assortment of shoes. Shame is a natural human response to someone noticing that about you. You're allowed to own a pair of boots and the greenish tennis shoes you use when mowing grass. Anything more makes you a princess.
No, you cannot have a bathroom break.
Plus, I'm not done with the job thing yet. Y'all made sure your parents paid for those expenses degrees just so you could fill out a couple of applications, get mad that no one is taking your avian gender psychology degree seriously, and bitch about how Tim Hortons doesn't pay enough while treating customers like they're the scum of your existence. You just throw up your hands and say, “society sucks, it's the Boomers fault” and leave it at that.
Don't get me wrong, it is the Boomers fault, but that doesn't change that you're being a weak wristed quitter who's doing absolutely nothing about it. (Sidenote: Boomers, do not email me from your aol accounts over that last comment. Your email addresses are always stupid and say too much about you. You don't have to mention your hobby in everything).
If one job ain't cutting it, get two. Learn a skill that doesn't involve sitting on your ass. AI is replacing coders but there's plenty of plumbing, construction, welding and electrical work that needs done. Jobs where the longer you do it, the better you'll become and the better you become the more money you'll earn.
When times were tough, I myself worked multiple jobs at once as a firefighting astronaut cowboy. If you don't know what that is it's only because your body doesn't produce enough testosterone to handle working in zero gravity with a homemade space suit utilizing the one pair of boots you're allowed to have.
Stop crying.
I know I'm being too gentle here but it's only because your constant need for praise and validation makes you almost impossible to talk to. I'm not sure if you know this but people absolutely hate that about you. Everything is sooooo emotional when it comes to your lot.
“But, but, my aNxIEty”
What? You mean that thing that literally everyone outside of Hannibal Lector experiences? That's the crushing internal struggle that's crippling you? Telling me that anxiety is what makes it impossible is like telling me your birthday is what makes you special. Congratulations, you have something that literally every human being in the history of human beings has. Stop it. Bad Gen Z’r, no.
Everything is a complaint or an excuse or a reason for you to get worked up over absolutely nothing. You won't do what it takes to make your immediate life better but you sure as Hell have the time and energy to lose your rabbit ass mind over things going on overseas that actually have nothing to do with you. You got time on your calendar to protest some stranger's death by the police but not enough to get involved with the people struggling literally in your own neighborhood. Good job. Way to go finding a way to look like you're doing something while doing absolutely nothing. At least you're staying in character.
Are you crying again? I swear to God….
Holy crap, I hadn't realized how much there was to go off on when I started this. Ummmm. You somehow spend a fortune just to dress like slobs when you go out in public, you use slang and swear while at work, you have more social media profiles than real world friends, Netflix is not a hobby, Baldur's Gate is just video game porn, everyone can tell when you're expressing a verbatim opinion you stole from someone else to pass off as yours, Mia Khalifa is not hot, you don't actually have political views because you can't even list your parties platform, McDonald's was never supposed to be a career, you did not suddenly figure out some truth about the human condition that every brilliant mind in the history of the world failed to see, your mom is kinda hot and you need to quit being sensitive about that, Crocs are stupid, Tic-toc is not a news source, guys stand up to pee, having pets does not make you a parent, coffee is black- that garbage you're ordering for $53 a cup is something else entirely and advertising tricked you, and they're not fucking identities, its called your personality.
*Gasping air
There's so much more to go over but I can see your eyes rolling through the internet and frankly I have other things to do today. Like grilling this Grizzly bear I slapped to death and getting this stain out of the one pair of jeans I own while I'm still wearing them.
To the Gen Z guys who read this, I hope my words triggered puberty for you finally.
To the women who read this, I'm sorry but my manly mangitude words may have gotten you pregnant.
To everyone else, enjoy your Sunday.
Brb taking a pregnancy test just in case you broke reality
Lollll I’m a Gen Z’er and really appreciate this (especially the AnXiEty bit).